Funny Sayings

Here is our list of the best funny sayings we could find. Let us know your favorite funny sayings in the comments.

Time is a great teacher, unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

I’m an adult, but not like a real adult.

The universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons & morons.

I want a brain transplant. Change my mind.

Home is where the Wi-Fi connects automatically.

I hate people who take drugs. Like cops, DEA agents…

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.

I think I might be allergic to alcohol, when I drink I always break out in handcuffs.

Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’s warm the rest of his life.

I’m sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud?

Common sense is so rare these days that it should be considered a super power.

I hate it when I gain ten pounds for a role and then remember I am not an actress.

If a man states an opinion and there is no woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

I tried to embrace my inner child today and the little jerk bit me.

The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body could not handle all of this personality.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

I find it funny when people say to me,”I’ll regret that in the morning”. Little do they know, I sleep until noon.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Whenever the brain and the heart fight, it is always the liver that suffers.

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

I’m not old. I’m a recycled teenager.

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

I’m really good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours at a time.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Just remember, if we get caught, you’re deaf and I don’t speak English.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

I stopped fighting my inner demons, we’re on the same side now.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Well, that is our list of funny sayings, don’t forget to share yours in the comments.